


Lady Lazarus

by withcoffeespoons



Series: Nixa Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Paragade (Mass Effect), Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Post-Virmire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27273874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withcoffeespoons/pseuds/withcoffeespoons
Summary: She could tell herself that it would have been different if it were Kaidan standing where Ashley had on Horizon, that he would have joined her, been there for her, mourned with her.Even in her head, it sounded like a lie.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: Nixa Shepard [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/388603
Kudos: 1





	Lady Lazarus

> _“I am Lazarus, come from the dead,  
>  Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”  
> _

_Kaidan would have understood_ , Nixa thought.

Not that there was any way to know, really. The trick of it was that Ashley brought to light every doubt that had passed through Nixa’s mind since she'd woken up on that table in a Cerberus lab.

She could tell herself that it would have been different if it were Kaidan standing in Ashley's place on Horizon, that he would have joined her, been there for her, mourned with her.

Even in her head, it sounded like a lie.

Kaidan had always kept her honest. Kaidan had been a rudder in a maelstrom, keeping her flying straight when circumstances would have led her across more treacherous territory. It was what she loved about him.

Kaidan would have flinched at the word _Cerberus_ just as Ashley did, and it would have hurt all the more for it being Kaidan walking away.

And for him being right.

Nixa’s skin cracked and split over the angry glow of cybernetics. The tortured face in the mirror was all too familiar, but now there were parts that didn’t fit, parts that sat marrow-deep and spread like poison under the false weave of her skin.

She wanted to claw it all off, expose the lie of her. Nixa Shepard died two years ago. She wasn’t sure what they brought back.

_Oh, Lazarus—_

Two years dead, and she couldn’t remember any of it. Even if there was a God, there was no heaven—or hell, she supposed.

She never believed in God, not like Ashley. But whatever faith she may have had shattered the day she woke up on that table. _Out of the ash I rise—_

Even the few more months Nixa could have had with Kaidan, she had been cheated out of. It was the least God or whatever could have done for her.

The unfairness of it all rose like bile in her throat.

She missed him more than she could bear in the empty finality of her loneliness.

So she told herself again the lie, _Kaidan would have understood._

And, because she couldn’t know, she let herself, for just a minute, believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr January 31, 2016.


End file.
